Whiskey And Deep Thoughts

I guess it is entirely possible some of you wondered where I have been for the last two weeks. Well, Sunday the 16th, one of my amazing friends took me to see Jelly Roll in concert right here in Salt Lake! It was amazing and was my first rap concert. I truly am blessed with some amazing people in my life. I am now the proud owner of a Jelly Roll hoodie. That was also a gift, and it is most likely the most expensive article of clothing that I own now. On the 22nd, we recorded two episodes of Mental Flog. One was a listener mail episode and the other one was a Tower Episode with our very first guest! On the 23rd, the very next day I woke up fine and by 11 AM I was sick as all hell. I put myself to bed about 11:30 in the morning, and I slept until 6 or so that evening. I don't know what I had, but it messed up my Sunday and I felt off all week. Editing for the listener mail episode will take place, and it will go live this week.

I had the kiddo this weekend. We made rice crispy treats with red food coloring, so they looked like raw meat. She loved it! Last night we went to a Halloween party, and she played in a bounce house for hours. She was very ready for bed by the time we got home. She is getting way too big. Part of kid's growing up, I guess. Part of me still wishes I had another one. Well now that I have updated you all on the where and what I have been up to, I guess it is time to write about what has been on my mind.

I looked for a quote or something to post here to break things up, but nothing felt like it fit. In a way, it is ironic. As we approach the end of the year and according to the calendar the end of my year-long ban on relationships, I find myself puzzled. I am puzzled as to what I want and what I need.

You see, I had a road map of things I looked for in a partner. Lots of red flags and red heads to be honest. Character traits that excited me and curves that well excited me. But the fact of the matter is what I chased has never entirely been good for me. On the other hand, what I attracted was also not good for me. It is entirely possible that I will still attract people who aren't really down for me but what I can provide. In this case, think energy because I be flat ass broke. So no gold diggers will be a concern at least.

That being said, I had a basic road map of what I looked for, even if I never really shared it with myself. It was a subconscious kinda thing. And it led me to some really great life lessons. I won't say it was the best of times, and some of it was down right horrible. But some of it was sexy and fun. But now we are at more of a blank slate time. That road map to dating is gone. All those built in triggers of ohhh I want to touch that are, for the better, gone. So sidebar, I haven't had a drink in two weeks and I did manage to acquire another bottle of my favorite writing whiskey. The music and the whiskey are finally in sync. I shall give myself a half glass more and resume my writing... well A half glass was not in the cards I guess, full glass it is. Go, go idiot behind the keyboard powers! As I was saying, the road map of dating that I carefully crafted over years of self loathing, fetishes and experience has been wiped clean. Yes, pale skin large chested women still excite me, but I don't go chasing them dick first anymore. The big head is in charge for once, and maybe it's healing, maybe it is old age, maybe i'm just fucking tired. I guess it could be all three. I will always have certain kinks and or fetishes that will be a part of me that I have established. But they are no longer my driving force.

Moving forward, I know I will be less focused on what I am doing for my partner and more focused on what we are doing for each other. That is directly related to the lesson that was my last relationship. God, I hope that was the last fucking lesson. That being said, I have no ideal that my next relationship with be my last. That is a road map to stress, unhealthy acceptance of shitty situations and unhealthy expectations. Well, we have arrived at the "Let me lay some truth on you" portion of this evening. For any of you out in the dating world who keep asking yourself, "Why does this keep happening to me?" Delete the dating apps, log out of FB dating and stop. If you always feel you have been cheated, robbed or met another loser, and it is always happening to you without any thought of your personal role in the situation... You have some mother fucking work to do. Energy is real and yours is off. Life will keep handing you human lemons until you take a long ass look in the proverbial mirror and dig real deep. If you never consider you are part of the problem any deeper than the often quoted "The common issue in relationships is me, so I must be flawed." Then continue to swipe right as if nothing ever happened. You ARE part of the problem. Healing and learning are a never ending journey, there is no end point, so don't lie to yourself about that one. If you just let out an audible groan to that statement, we have only just begun. This next one is and will forever be a contested and unpopular opinion, but I accept it as the truth. If you can not say you love yourself and actually mean it, you need to not drag another poor soul into your bullshit. If you can't truly love you, you will never fully accept the love of another. Read that again, I will wait. It is true, and I had to learn that, like most life lessons, the hard way. You can fake it until you make it for a lot of things. Truthfully, my self-love journey started that way. With lots of internal battles and eventually acceptance that I am worthy of some shit I had been neglecting. However, the fake it until you make it won't carry through the true acceptance of love from another human being. It sucks, but it is true.

Circling back to me on my journey. I have some personal choices to make. One of them being do I accept that I only have one child and give up on the idea of more. I am at the tail end of 35, so it is not a decision to ponder for much longer. Another one is the simple yet profound question of is another relationship something I am willing to commit to. 2017 Bishop would never believe this, but I do enjoy my alone time and simplistic life. The flip side of this coin is that at heart I am a hopeless kinky romantic. Yes, I do believe both of those ideals can co-exist. Less mythical than a unicorn but still elusive, that possibility is out there. On that note, I shall end tonight's post. A quarter glass of whiskey and Dr Pepper await me, and it is a school night. I will post again next Sunday. I have missed this and look forward to the next time. Night kids! Bishop :(: