What We Say In The Shadows

Memes, we see a lot of them. Sometimes it is how we communicate these days. One in particular lives rent-free in my head. It was simplistic, but it made a profound point. "We are what we take in from Ted Talks to cat memes". While that on the surface is not one to download and spam friends with, it is one worth pondering.

You see what we take in, what we dwell with and most importantly what we tell ourselves has a profound impact. I was always lectured for my self depreciating humor. But at that time and place in my life, I truly don't think I was with it enough to understand the impact of it all. Truthfully, I grew up being the butt of everyone's jokes, so subconsciously I think I just slipped into that role.

As we slip into the twilight of 2022, and I continue my single for a year journey, I have elected myself the mayor of Nun Island. I have gone down the path of meaningless sex and red flag chasing enough in my 35 years of existence to know that it has never furthered my journey. It has only served as a decent distraction from growing as a person. Never has a night of good sex turned into a long term healthy relationship. While I feel it is fair of me to say that I don't think I have had a healthy relationship in my life, I too haven't been in the place to have one. My former people pleasing ways paved a highway of pain and suffering in silence. Fear of rocking the boat caused me to lose my voice and quietly resent things. Not a track record I am proud of, but I own that it was me, and it happened. When I got divorced, I clung to a phrase "Shattered Soul" was my mantra and I was hell-bent on owning that. I feel that in living and breathing that phrase, it enabled a lot of questionable decisions and delayed my healing.

I was a lot of different things to many different people at that time. For some, I was a good time, maybe even a distraction. To others, I was the guy who didn't give them what they want, therefore I became an asshole or villain in the story they lived. At times, it might have been an earned title, as I am not without flaws. A lot of these experiences have shaped a healthy list of kinks and turn on's. That is still something I am picking through and trying to decide what is actually a healthy part of me and what is truly just a remnant from a traumatic experience in my life. Not an easy task, to be honest.

I feel like I have dated most of my fears and nightmares at this point. Learned a lot of lessons, and I probably still have plenty to learn. Before I date again, I know that I want to have a stable emotional bank account and a firm foundation on what it is I truly want. Ironically, I feel I have that more now than I have ever before. Yet I am unwilling to test that theory at this present time.

Eight months after my last, relationship ended, I got the delightful comment on my Instagram. The person who left it is best friends with the mother of my former girlfriend. Yes, she is calling me a narcissist. No, I did not reply to it. But it did stir up an old wound from my former marriage. I did not like how it made me feel. I ended up going out to the bar and having two beers with an old friend. I even ended up taking two online tests. One to see if I tested as a narcissist. I got a score that showed 0% narcissist. I also took one to see if I had been the victim of narcissistic abuse. I got a 60% on that one. I don't like that I let it momentarily shake my faith in myself and doubt who I am. But it did, I processed it and moved on. Ironically, this video showed up on my feed not long after, and it perfectly describes the arch of my last relationship.

We all have our opinions and beliefs about who people are. Sometimes they are correct, and other times they are skewed through our personal lens or link to a situation. I have a true friend in my life that was hated by two other people I once knew. They said hateful, spiteful and downright hurtful things about this person. They went out of the way to personally attack and publicly humiliate her. Later on, in a court of law, one of them had to admit that they lied about this person in order to try and influence my beliefs and relationship with the other person. As you can imagine, the ones who cried wolf are no longer in my life, nor will they ever be again. We are all a villain to someone, even if we haven't earned the title.

So, I am continuing my journey one day at a time and sorting through the fog of the past. But this time I am not a "Shattered Soul" I am not "Broken" and refuse to identify as such. I challenge any of you reading this who self identifies negatively to dig deep and really see if that shoe fits you. If not, might be time to shit can that one and glow up. I know shedding the negative self labels and no longer identifying as defective was a game changer. Some things in life we should not accept, and a lack of a healthy relationship with one's self is on the top of that list. So the next time you put yourself down or offer the explanation of being broken, take a deep breath and reflect. Saying you are healing, you are a work in progress or even under construction is a much better alternative as long as you put the effort behind that statement. Bishop :(: