Trying To Find Joy

A depression nest is a horrible thing. The lack of ability to deal creates a hellscape to deal with when you finally have the ability to can. I had a pretty good one to pick up after last week. The loss of Adam has not been easy, and I have not fully allowed myself to process. Throwing myself into work, video games and the chores needed to survive have been my distraction. Tonight, my partner Shelby and I enjoyed watching a few episodes of Station 19. That show has a way of punching you in the gut with the feelings. On tonight's episode, Travis used a technique he observed from a patient and held his phone up to his ear and pretended to have a conversation with his deceased husband. His husband having been killed in the line of duty as a fellow firefighter some years ago.

It was a heart felt and truly emotional scene. In it, he quoted something his spouse had said to him, "Enjoy the this in the this". He meant it as a way to tell to quit worrying about the end of a vacation they were on and instead enjoy the moment. While I can't enjoy the passing of Adam, I can elaborate on some experiences. I finally got to meet so many of the people I heard him talk about. I got to put faces to names and hear stories of him and the epic adventures he had with friends. Ironically, we had all heard of each other. This gathering of friends got to meet in the during the final viewing of Adam and even attended the family prayer together. Hearing his mother tell stories of young Adam was touching. Hearing her read the words of his friends telling him how much he had truly meant to him was beautiful. Coming home with the smiley face ukulele I had bought him so many years ago was meaningful. It is a happy memory of mine, getting to see the joy it brought him. Spending time with Charles and his son until the early hours of the morning was fun. Swapping stories and talking with his kid was really a cool experience. Getting to introduce my partner to mom (Joy) was cool. It is something I have never really done before. Getting to spend time at the Art Lab is always enjoyable. Listening in as Dan talks to a new artist about how to draw and experiment with his new water color pencils was amazing. The passion he has for people and the arts is inspiring. I enjoyed listening to every moment of that, and it was truly touching.

Getting to be a passenger princess for the six plus hours in the car with Shelby was nice. It is not an experience I am used to. Talking about their desire to see The Museum of Clean and yes I did laugh, but yes I am down to go. I also gave Shelby the chance to become obsessed with Jack in The Box and Big Juds. Sorry not sorry.

So Adam, while I wish you were here with us and I truly wish I could continue to get feedback from you on my writing... I am trying to find ways to "Enjoy the this in the this" it is not easy my friend. Shelby and I listened to so many episodes of the old podcast on the way home. Hearing you talk about the things near and dear to you and getting to hear that laugh was truly heart-warming. Life will continue to go on, and I must remember that everything has a season. I am sad that the season of you walking among us came to an end so soon. While I am slowly coming out of my funk, I am still quick to come to tears thinking of you. I almost cried during that scene with Travis on Station 19 tonight when I made that mental connection with what he said and the memory of you. You would also probably take some delight in knowing tonight's post was written while listening to a Spotify playlist you made. We definitely had different musical tastes, my friend. But listening to this playlist in its own way makes me feel closer to you. Bishop :(: