The Journey To Self Love

348.6, that is what the scale told me this evening after a day of activity, eating and all the hydration. You want to know what that number is not? It is not a measure of my self-worth, my attractiveness, my intelligence or my value as a human being. It is a number generated by my mass and the gravity of this planet. It took me a long time to come to this understanding, but it was worth it.

I spent this week not walking, not working out, and just living. I played a lot of War Thunder (Xbox Nation), reading and enjoying my life. I am not even beating myself up over it. I work hard and I deserved a break. That unto itself is progress. I used to not be able to do that. If I was not working on something or running a side hustle, I was failing.

I have fallen in love with my Sunday rituals. They will vary based on if I have the tiny human or not, but the outcome is the same. Sunday is a mixed day of prep and enjoyment. You see, for once I enjoy getting ready for the week. I use Sunday to set myself up for success.

I get my laundry done. By done I mean it gets washed, dried and put away all in the same day. Bishop of yesteryear would be mind blown over this. I was and can still be to a point the master of procrastination. Ohhh Ain't No Sunshine by Shawn James just came on. This is a jam! Ok, back to it, on top of laundry, meal prep gets done. This week, a different flavor of Hamburger Helper than last week. It is not always Hamburger Helper, but I had it on hand and well I like most of America am not rolling in the dough. This blog, the podcast, all of it is a labor of love and I don't make a dime off of it.

This is why tonight's beverage is ice tea mix and a selection of what I had on the shelf. I am not out of Gentleman Jack, I just am not ready to have to replace that bottle. I had to add Triple Sec because legit this tasted like cough syrup before a few minutes ago. Yes, even a Sunday adult beverage has become a Sunday tradition for myself. It is all part of me winding down before the work day tomorrow. Music is another important aspect of sitting down to write. Headphones in and volume up! I turn the box fan that is always running in my room to face my back and settle into my chair and let the words flow. You see, this blog, it is my therapy. I write for me and for some reason those who have found it seem to really enjoy it. While I don't think I will ever be more than a blogger or self produced podcaster, I enjoy the process of it all. For anyone seeking clarity, peace or relief, I will always suggest writing. The magic that happens when you let your mind free and the fingers wander over the keyboard is euphoric. So, while writing is this is for me, I can't say knowing other people enjoy it is not in its own way a pleasure.

My friend Kimber shared this today. First, if you want to talk about a gifted writer! That woman the way she describes things reminds me of Tolkien, she is truly gifted. I truly, deeply, madly love this. I dream of this and truthfully I crave it. AS content as I am single and as in love as I am with my single hood rituals mhhh, these words speak to my heart.

You see, my year-long sabbatical from relationships is not because I am ill prepared for one. It is because I am falling in love with myself. I am finding my center again and allowing myself to live! I make choices, plans and dream big for myself with my only considerations being my daughter and financial stability. The latter being the most restrictive part of this year's journey.

2017 Bishop would have A. not survived this year and B. Been proud but confused. I often reference 2017 Bishop, because that was the year of my divorce. I stood up for myself and made the hardest choice of my life. My journey forwards has not been smooth or graceful, but it has been powerful. I have grown so much from the ashes of my former life. It has truly not been easy, but fuck has it been worth it. 2017 Bishop would not know what to do single and celibate for this long.

So let's circle back to this year of no relationships. Have I been celibate? No, I am far too sexual of a person for that. Have I dated? Sparingly, I have embraced opportunity as it has presented itself. Have I entered into any relationships? Absolutely not, no one has come forward that made my soul stand still and my heart race with affection and emotion. People who have wanted me as support or a filler for the empty feeling within them have approached me. One sexual experience was between me and a friend, and it was magical unto itself, even if it ended up being a one time performance. We had a play list, enjoyed the light show of the sound activated LED's in my room, and enjoyed each other. I cherish it, I truly do.

One lost soul I met on Tinder and I introduced her to my world of kinky sex. We got off a lot together. But we also grew as people. She was experiencing one of the worst heart aches of her life, and not only was I able to get her off, I was able to make a meaningful connection with her. Somehow I helped her and she has helped me. She was even there for me as best as I would let her be through my stroke. At the end of the day, I am admittedly a stubborn ass and have a hard time letting people be there for me even if I shouldn't.

I have fallen in love with my life and myself this year. I wish, dear reader, I could convey what a journey this has been for me, but even I lack those words. Float on is playing right now and chef's kiss perfect timing for the wrap up. I Bishop Brown being of sound mind (only slightly intoxicated) do proudly declare that I can honestly say at 35 years of age do actually love myself. I am not a perfect person and I recognize that my growth is a lifelong pursuit, but I fucking love me, and I am proud of the life I have built and am building.

I have fallen down, I have wept, and I have honestly wanted to give up along the way. But with the help of my Tribe and friends, I have come so far in this life. I look forward to what tomorrow brings and the endless possibilities of life that are only limited by myself. Yes, life is truly the most limited by one's self. The sooner you get out of your own way and start living, the sooner that will be made clear to you. Thank you, dear reader, for coming along with me on tonight's journey. I feel as though I have indulged talk of my self more than usual, but I feel like I deserve it this time around. With that I shall post and share this and enjoy the last of tonight's sacred Sunday adult beverage. Bishop :(: PS, I always look at the tattoo on my wrist to make sure I write my sign off correctly. :(: