Self Loathing and Masking

I dug through a plethora of old photos to unearth this one. Of all the energy and time that I have spent hating any one person, it was all directed at myself. Now for disclosure, this IS a post about the past. That version of me in the photo was married, running a charity group, and what Batman did not know was that night's event was for him. We were raising money to pay for his cancer bills.

But me in that photo? Hated himself and felt alone a lot of the time. I was disgusted by myself, and I thought I was gross. I told myself I was gross. I was shocked anyone wanted to hug me or be near me, or even admit to knowing me. I was (still am) over weight, and I did not think I was remotely good-looking.

I spent weeks, sometimes, organizing events to raise money for people that I often did not even know but knew they were in need. I felt amazing and alive the night of the events. But the next day or sometimes a few days after, I felt worthless and disgusting again. No matter the amount of good I did or people I helped, in my mind I was still a garbage human.

Were other people telling me these things? Not entirely. My marriage had issues, and we criticized each other far more than we should have. I had some voices from the past that I put way too much stock in. But in the present of that time, I was not nice to myself. Much like Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies, I ate because I was unhappy, and I was unhappy because I ate.

But being "fat" was truly not my only issue. However, it was an easy target for myself. I always felt like I was not good enough or in many areas I was too much. I had no self-worth, and that led to me being a doormat for people. I needed people who seemed to like me to cope with my self-hatred. Being a center point of attention in my little Utah community helped a little.

I did not even remotely start to heal until I made peace with the fact that being a big guy did not make me gross. People seemed to love me regardless of what I looked like. So, in time, I made peace that my size was not a representation of who I was. It was a representation of a poor diet and not the greatest life choices, but it did not define my worth. This was not an overnight revelation, it was a process. By coming to terms and accepting this information, I removed it from my list of reasons to be depressed.

Probably not a big shocker, but this did not solve all of my issues. But it was a key to moving forward. In August 2017 I said I don't and began the road to divorce. Like I said, the marriage had issues and we both had issues. This kicked off the drinking, partying and random hook-ups.

Now I was not miserable 24/7 but, I was not happy either. Sex can be fun, sex feels good, and it is nice to know other people want to play with your naughty bits. But meaningless sex can leave you feeling empty and, well, meaningless. It was indeed a distraction, and it killed time and brain cells quite effectively.

Did it bring me joy? No, not really. It led to situation ships, heartache, a different kind of self loathing and still feeling alone. It was not until I sat down and wrote that letter to myself in December 2017 that I stumbled onto a catalyst for change.

Change takes time and I fell down often. So I dated, I drank, and I hooked up for a while longer. I bought self-help books! Shopping is great therapy. Did I read the self-help books? A bit... Sometimes lessons come in the form of people. A situation ship that sparked my soul made me fell wanted and alive and like anything was possible led to my change. Like all situations, it led to an abrupt end. She went back to the person she left, and I was left broken, sad and feeling even more worthless. But, I made the choice to be alone in a way. I decided to make friends, not bed mates. We went on adventures, we played games, and we drank a bit. But we had a good group of people. I had plenty of chances to get laid. Something about being the guy who says no in a weird way makes you desirable to some people. But I kept saying no. I read my books, I took long motorcycle rides, and I picked me. I did this for about 7 months.

Facebook dating had one more lesson to teach me. She came on strong and made me question a few things. But I thought it was the questioning and that bit that felt off that made it different, and maybe just maybe this was the one that was going to be the right choice. Boy was she a big lesson and embodied and brought to life some of my biggest fears. I was used, I was an ATM, I was unappreciated, and I was miserable. It lasted a year and a few months. I ignored signs, I ignored warnings, and I ignored my feelings. And I eventually looked as miserable as I felt.

Does that idiot look happy? As much as I hated the old me, I hated the new version of my life. That was my last doormat moment on record. In January, I stood up for myself, my property and my roommate and I ended things. She was not happy, she took shit when she left, and honestly it was worth loosing some shit to be free of her and her way of life. That was the final catalyst in my change. After that, I knew I needed to live for me, being unapologetically me.

The weight loss journey, the new job and the reading is not done to impress or attract. It is done because this is my time to fully practice self-love and treat myself with the respect that I deserve. While I am public with my journey, it no longer is to help fill a void or attract attention to feel less alone. This blog is my journal, and I hope it helps people to recognize things can change. But the biggest change comes from self-respect, self-love and ditching the negative self talk. I could not have accomplished any of the things I have until I made the choice to quit hating on myself and to listen to myself when I have something noteworthy to say. Don't give up on dreams, but realize a dream needs to become a goal. Hell, a series of goals that are steps filled with long days and hard work and when you do the work you make dreams come true. My inner fat kid loves burgers, candy, and long Netflix binges. But none of that gets me any closer to being healthy. Cheat days happen, I deserve a burger or a treat sometimes. Why? Because I am not doing this out of hate, I am doing this out of love for myself and wanting more out of life. This is a lifestyle change, mindset change, and it is all for the better.

The title mentions masking. I put on a fake smile for a very long time. We all do to a point. DO NOT LET THAT BECOME A PRISON! You want to know what I find sexy? Someone who is unafraid to be real, to be vulnerable and to not be ashamed to be them. We live in a world of facades and acts and to find a person who can be real flaws and all is a treasure. Be respectful enough of yourself to be you always. It will scare some people off, it will change people's perspective of you, and it will be worth it. As far as I know, we only get one spin on this rock, and it is your spin, so live it your way. Fuck the expectations of other about how you need to live life to be who they want you to be. Do you but be kind, this is not a license to be an asshole, but it does mean take not shit. Stay humble and stay true, my friends and make the most of those special moments. Bishop :(: