Letting Go Of Backwards Journeys

It was indeed a self-care weekend. I completely rearranged my bedroom this weekend. In doing so, I opened up more room and honestly made it feel more like home. My amazing partner even came over and helped. They even built my nice new corner shelf for me. I now have enough room for my favorite desk chair to fit in my room. This vintage office chair honestly is stupid comfortable.

I purged a fair amount of stuff this weekend. Filled a trash bag. I see more things going away in the near future. It feels wonderful to declutter. I have my eye on a few more things that will be going away. I have held onto way too many things over the years. But I think many of us are guilty of doing so. At the end of this weekend of self-care, I can say I feel accomplished and excited to come home tomorrow.

But that brings me to the deep thought portion of the blog. How much mental garbage do we hold onto? Can we drop memories into a mental recycle bin of sorts and move on? I think I did just that over this weekend.

While the occasional trip down memory lane is fun, what memories are we visiting? Are they happy, fun productive or self-destructive? I know for me, I have people I regret knowing or allowing into my life. They were not value added and in some cases were traumatic in their own right. I have nothing to gain by revisiting those times. Sure, I needed some lessons, and the lessons can remain. But I don't need to hold onto that trauma and stuff it away like an old shirt in the closet.

My partner today said they were not used to healthy relationships and how this is all still so new to them. I followed that up with "This is new for me too". I must say I like this new experience. No score keeping, no holding back from having a conversation for fear of rocking the boat. I think for me, that last one is huge. If you find yourself shoving down something important for fear of causing issues, you need to reevaluate what's going on. Be it in a friendship or relationship, communication must be open and healthy. To not have that is to open the door of long term issues and even resentment.

I often fell into the trap of telling myself this is "What I deserve". By that, I usually justified some unenjoyable situation or traumatic experience. But I see now just how well I trapped myself. Much like all the times I wore myself thin trying to show my worth, no matter the personal cost, to "Buy affection". A trap or habit I never again wish to fall back into.

I am finally at a place and in a relationship where I feel like I have value just by being me. It is sincerely refreshing and comforting. The contrast from my past relationships to this one is like seeing color for the first time. The gratitude and affection that flows freely is something I cherish, compared to feeling like I was moving mountains, and it was just expected of me.

So dear reader, I encourage you to inventory those moments you find yourself revisiting and truly ask yourself if they are helping or hurting you. Many of us learned at a young age that touching something hot hurts. In comparison, constantly reflecting of unhealthy memories can cause a different kind of hurt. Why keep touching the stove. On that note, it is time for me to get some rest. Tomorrow the work week begins again. I get my kiddo this weekend, and I am looking forward to spending time with her and my partner. I am going to add a few pics of my newly redecorated room because they bring me joy.