Forever In A Never & Growth

The irony of the lyrics "Somebody save me, me from myself" playing over my headphones as I sauntered to the kitchen cabinet to select this evening's drinking chalice is not lost on me. Yet, I still poured Gentleman Jack into my ice filled glass. More than two fingers, less than ten. I topped it off with Dr Pepper and headed back to my room. Now I sit here with just the light of my wax warmer and the backlit keyboard to light my way.

Day two of the "Funk" is in progress. I wish I could say I was getting funky and having a blast. But alas dear reader that is not the case. I sit here in the dimly lit room, sipping my beverage and listening to a Pandora station I created on the video linked above. I did skip Follow Me by Uncle Kracker. While it is a good song, just not in the mood tonight for it.

White Trash Beautiful just came on, let's do this! My mind longs for using descriptive words such as broken, defective and unwanted this evening. But I stop short of that because as low as I feel, that is not a road I will journey down again. I am alone, and that is not a bad thing. But sometimes it is a hard thing. Truthfully, my current state stems from two different situations. One is not at all sexy and involves a medical bill and the struggle to pay it off. The other is my mind playing tricks on me.

While I am the self-declared Mayor of Nun Island, some days it is lonely here. Now human connection and new opportunity for experiences are just a download and a log in away. However, that would not be a solution to the current funk, but an escape and a delay. Now, some would argue my undisclosed pour of whiskey might be just that as well... However, drinking is not my drug of choice and this one drink won't turn into a late night and missing work tomorrow. I can drink responsibly and I shall in moderation. Ok, it was like 4 fingers, but in my defense it is a tall glass. Gosh, Napoleon, eat some tots and simmer down. Now that I have successfully confused any of the younger generation that have found this blog, I will carry on.

Most of my relationships have started sexually and progressed out of the bedroom, except for two. One turned into a ten-year marriage, and the other was about six months long. I thought it was healthy at the time, but sadly it was not. Hence, why I am on the don't touch me kick and not actively seeking a bedroom distraction. I have been down that road, the whips and chains were fun but not lasting. So as I sit here in the semi dark room sipping on a beverage and lamenting my life choices, this dear reader can actually be called growth. It is ugly, and I am in gym shorts and an undershirt, but it is growth. There is no escape from true healing, and the only way to deal with emotions is to go through them. The refusal to return to the ways of old, no matter how intoxicating the idea is, won't truly bring me the peace and happiness I crave.

I seek a true connection without the drama, without the toxicity and without false pretenses. In today's swipe culture and cashapp links on tinder bios, it feels like a tall order. But a guy can dream, can't he? I feel like it is a worthy pursuit because I desire a partner that is an equal and emotionally open. Someone who will listen as much as they talk and is open to healthy communication, and who will see value in working through the hard times instead of just giving up. I seek someone who is not looking for a distraction from the ex they are not over. A person who is a whole ass individual and while they don't need someone, they want to find someone else worthy of sharing this experience called life with.

That is the true dream, to be someone's person and not a temporary distraction while they escape the pain within. Emotional intelligence is the new hot. Healing and growth is a fucking turn on. I crave that touch that makes my soul feel like it is at peace. I have felt it before, but it was not meant to be, and truthfully I am absolutely grateful it was not. It hurt like hell then, but I survived, and I am better off for it. That is why I have made the conscious choice to embrace the suck and deal with these emotions head on. I am done with distractions and settling for half-assed romances. No more situation ships, no more being a placeholder for people who think "I am good enough for now." And absolutely will I never again tolerate having a partner that respects nothing and no one in her life but herself. Lessons have been learned, and I will soldier on until I am ready and someone makes it worth my time to ponder a forever again. One last truth, I am done being silent and not speaking my truth. I bit my tongue and withheld emotions, and every time it bit me in the ass. Bishop :(: